Miss Manners Rides the Train

Living in New York gives you a wonderful chance to expose your child to many means of transportation: ferries, buses, subways, the famous yellow taxis, horse carriages, and more. Along the way, they are also exposed to all kinds of weird behaviour. Oh yeah. And lots and lots of cooties.

So, I got on the light rail this morning with my son after a good dose of the two-year old "NO!"s. I couldn't wait to make our way home with him riding in the window seat beside me pointing out all the familiar sights and playing games. As I started to slide my stroller into the spot that is designated for "mobility devices", I said, "excuse me" to a woman sitting in the seat next to the spot and motioned to her that her coat was hanging down and was going to touch the wheel of the stroller. I just wanted to make sure that I didn't soil her coat. What followed shocked, not to mention belittled, me. She went on a rant of "well, if you had asked me for the seat I would have given it to you"... "you should not be riding the train with that thing! Can't your son stand by himself?"... "YOU sit over there".

When I tried to let her know that I wasn't actually planning to sit in the seat but was going to store the stroller in (I repeat!) the designated spot and get my son out to sit with me on another available seat, she continued her litany. So, I just sat down across the aisle, my son still in the stroller, and chose to ignore her. That's when she let me know that she had "raised her share of babies" and would not look after my son while I sat across the aisle. Well, lady... thank God! It continued for a few more stops. Other passengers gave me that sympathetic wince when they got off the train.

Since coming home I have, like always, come up with dozens of witty, cutting remarks that I could have thrown her way. But, being raised a polite Canadian, I kept any remarks to myself at the time, eh?

So, here is my favourite.

Me: "Oh, how many children do you have?"
Her: blah, blah, blah
Me: "Oh, aren't they just a blessing?"
Her: blah, blah, blah
Me: "So, how many of them are in therapy?"

After which I would just stroll off the train shouting, "Have a nice day! I hope your kids recover from your parenting soon!" My voice would trail off as the doors close telling my son, "No, sweetie... she wasn't angry at us... it's just that some people need to take medication every day to be able to behave like nice people..."

Babies... the new Chihuahua

Ok. I get it. And, more importantly than that, I admit it. I will never be one of them.

You see them at the playground. At the Mommy and Me groups. With the toddlers who look like they just vaulted from the pages of a Baby Gap ad. Impeccably put together. With the latest thing toy hanging from their pudgy little hand. Wandering. And where is their mommy? In the clot of cackling hens at the edge of the playground. You know the ones. They talk through story time. They look at you glaringly when you silently try to shush them with a pleasant look that works on your two-year old but not on them.

I am sure that they interact with their children. But, you would never know it now. I have watched certain moms as they longingly wander from event to playground to event in search of some interaction for themselves, a lonely look in their eyes. I even say hello. Some of them chat for a minute. Apparantly, I am not the right kind of mom to talk to or invite into the group. I don't feel comfortable in the coffee klatch at the edge of the playground while my son roams around on his own. I pay for the classes that I take with my son and want to get my (and his!) money's worth. Besides, sometimes those puppets are just damn funny.

To me, it seems that some of them use their kids as the perfect accessory. Like those little yappy lap dogs popping up in Hollywood. Like I said, I will just never fit in. I will never be one of those moms. Thank God.

Can You Hear Me Now?

A common thread I see in all the Mommies Groups/Boards etc, is the isolation that comes with being home alone all day, every day with your kids. And I get that. Yes, they are cute and a delight to be with, but we all need some grown-up time. A few too many "Itsy Bitsy Spiders" and you end up with a head full of cobwebs. There are days when I am pretty sure the song goes, "and on that farm he had a psychotic break"...

In those moments, I head to the park to take my son on the swings and take yet another ride on the playbus to the pretend zoo and hope to chat it up with another adult there to do the same. Too bad that all of the other adults in the park (parents and nannies alike) are on their cell phones.

A message to those adults... I see it in your eyes... YOU are the lonely ones that are writing those messages. And I know that out of every 10 of you on your cell phone, 6 are leaving a message on the work voice mail of your spouse, 2 are calling the salon to get a mani/pedi appointment (that they will later have to cancel when your child throws up into your purse as you are getting ready to leave), 1 is checking the local movie listings for anything that is not "Disney", and 1 is waiting for the tone which means it is 11:26 am.

For goodness sake... talk to someone else that's here! At first, I used to hope it was me that they would talk to. Now, I just wish they would talk to SOMEONE. Anyone. In the flesh. The park looks like an egg carton with everyone wrapped in their little compartment. Weird. And don't get me started on why someone's nanny has to talk that long on their cell phone while their darling little charge experiments on the distance he can pee down the curly slide.

In lonely moments, I still visit the park. And, every once in a while, I talk to someone. But, never on my cell phone.

Stop Oogling my Eggs!

Forgive me if I am wrong. But, I think that my eggs and all of the parts that go with them are my business. Makes it sound like I am selling them...

There is something odd that happens as soon as some women become mothers. They think that everyone wants to hear their birth stories and they have a deep-seated belief that there is anyone out there who really gives a flying monkey what day of their cycle they are on, the number of times they have tried to conceive, the positions that worked for them, and how much spotting they have had. It seems that, as soon as number one is out, they are working on number two. Ok... that makes me giggle like a Grade 2. Working on number two... tee hee.

And the worst part of this phenomenon is that they think that I want to join in the round table discussion about my reproductive trials and tribulations. Well, I don't. If I wanted someone else to know when I had my period, I would wear white pants. The only person who knows how many times we do it and in what position is my husband. And maybe the neigbor who shares a bedroom wall with us. And, the answer to the question, "when are you going to have another?", is, "when the memory of ripping skin is erased from my mind". Which reminds me, have I told you my birth story? No? Good.